When glanced outside the window on the bus, I felt lonely than ever.
Usually I don’t admit it but I felt I can’t stand this anymore.
Think about 2013, the whole year.
I ended the boring university life that tortured me for 4 bloody years finally.
I came to New Zealand n thought I would have a better life here.
I met reliable and fantastic friends in language school.
I went to visit an art studio for first time and cried as I always do afterward.
I passed IELTS. I found a kindergarten to practice in.
I enrolled in NZTC for one-year study.
I got my driver license.
I bought my first car in life at the last days of year 2013.
Hopefully my English is improving.
Everything seems to be going well. Seems that the wind has turned.
But I’m still unhappy, unsatisfied, empty, lost. I'm still the little fat girl crying in the rain ten years ago. Things never changed.
After sighed, cried, shouted for thousand times and suddenly I realized that I’m so weak.
It's too hard to be happy and even "not unhappy" is not equal to "happy".
The more I set for ECE, the more I wonder why I've never been given a chance to do the things I wanted to do from heart. The hatress has been woven into almost my whole life and till today, I can do nothing to fix it.
The whole life of me is a failure. I tried to be graceful about the things that are considered as things worth celebrating I got, just like those written above, couldn't reduce my anxiety a single bit.
It's painful that you envaluate the education you recieved from your caregiver as an example according to what you just learnt from your school. It's painful to think about it but it's also there if you don't. So painful anyway......
I watched a vedio clip of psycology course few days ago. It is said that people who have negative views are actually afraid to shoulder the responsibilities in their lives. They always blame their parents n goveronment n school or president or anybody that can makes them feel better. I know, because that's me.
Sometimes I think I'm crazy, however the fact is I can always be crazier.
Now the thing is everyday I'm struggling about who made me the way I am today n why I deserve a life full of desperate or how can I get rid of this life? But I'm not doing anything to fix the problems. I'm too loose in body and tight in mind.
In 2014, I know they are not likely to come true but, I wish I could be a good person who's positive, active, brave n adventrous. Finally I know, the worst thing is not I make a wrong choice but I don't make one. From the choice I've made, if I'm very very lucky, maybe I'll turn back to my true self graudually.
I think it's a good starting point to change my life from trying to love my it in the comming year, even when it sucks, when it hurts, when I think there's no way I can get things done, I hope I can still love it, like other people else.
Usually I don’t admit it but I felt I can’t stand this anymore.
Think about 2013, the whole year.
I ended the boring university life that tortured me for 4 bloody years finally.
I came to New Zealand n thought I would have a better life here.
I met reliable and fantastic friends in language school.
I went to visit an art studio for first time and cried as I always do afterward.
I passed IELTS. I found a kindergarten to practice in.
I enrolled in NZTC for one-year study.
I got my driver license.
I bought my first car in life at the last days of year 2013.
Hopefully my English is improving.
Everything seems to be going well. Seems that the wind has turned.
But I’m still unhappy, unsatisfied, empty, lost. I'm still the little fat girl crying in the rain ten years ago. Things never changed.
After sighed, cried, shouted for thousand times and suddenly I realized that I’m so weak.
It's too hard to be happy and even "not unhappy" is not equal to "happy".
The more I set for ECE, the more I wonder why I've never been given a chance to do the things I wanted to do from heart. The hatress has been woven into almost my whole life and till today, I can do nothing to fix it.
The whole life of me is a failure. I tried to be graceful about the things that are considered as things worth celebrating I got, just like those written above, couldn't reduce my anxiety a single bit.
It's painful that you envaluate the education you recieved from your caregiver as an example according to what you just learnt from your school. It's painful to think about it but it's also there if you don't. So painful anyway......
I watched a vedio clip of psycology course few days ago. It is said that people who have negative views are actually afraid to shoulder the responsibilities in their lives. They always blame their parents n goveronment n school or president or anybody that can makes them feel better. I know, because that's me.
Sometimes I think I'm crazy, however the fact is I can always be crazier.
Now the thing is everyday I'm struggling about who made me the way I am today n why I deserve a life full of desperate or how can I get rid of this life? But I'm not doing anything to fix the problems. I'm too loose in body and tight in mind.
In 2014, I know they are not likely to come true but, I wish I could be a good person who's positive, active, brave n adventrous. Finally I know, the worst thing is not I make a wrong choice but I don't make one. From the choice I've made, if I'm very very lucky, maybe I'll turn back to my true self graudually.
I think it's a good starting point to change my life from trying to love my it in the comming year, even when it sucks, when it hurts, when I think there's no way I can get things done, I hope I can still love it, like other people else.